A journey to cherish🚗❄

I was li’l embarrassed being the last one to step into the car but tried to cover it up with a smile.My people–Kiran and Meera(Kii&Mee)People I want to watch sunrises and sunsets with,dance by fire with,soak in tears with,drench in rain with and hug with might.My kind of people⚡We were travelling with Kii’s Pappa and brother.Mee,who usually talks in a low voice(she sounds adorable anyway)and myself(I kind of sound deep😂)chose to talk in a low voice,a way of being polite when elders are around.Kiran anyway has a sweet low voice and was playing with her new phone and ended up dialling her brother,who was with us,driving😁He rolled his eyes at her,”Now what?”.As a matter of fact,we girls were going to attend a PG entrance test at Ernakulam and none of us opened a book.We shared concerns regarding different entrance exams,semester results,future,how to survive the holidays,how to be miserable,how to avoid some boring family events and so on.We three were laughing at every breaks;that’s why were the best together.And,we did save some topics from discussion since they were around😉

In between, slipping to moments of silence,I was watching the road,vehicles,people.Nothing is constant.Everything needs to flow;that’s where life lies.I looked at the sky.Tempting as always.How it shimmers in the sunlight.And the Gulmohar trees on the roadside,spreading their blossoms in air.Suddenly I noticed a tree with lots of bats hanging on its branches,which Kii argued as dried fruits(On the way back,we confirmed them as bats).Kii was handed over the duty to check the Google map,which her brother doubted she held the other way around😁

After the exam,we three got another 45mins for ourselves.The College was abandoned by everyone else except us,the trees,sky,birds and Sun.We chatted merrily while Kii and myself tried posing for candid pics for Mee,which she finally gave up.We discussed about Noetics from The Lost Symbol by Dan Brown.We two urged Kii to follow more people on insta as she complained of seeing the same things over and over again.We sat at the side walk.Lost in our world.We shared our thoughts on existential depression, how blessed we are to be aware,how crazy and lazy we are at homes,how our Moms complaint on our indiscipline, how peaceful it is to be single,wild and free.On the way back,we were happy which Kii’s Pappa mistook that the exam was easy.We were happy for the time,the journey.

I saw a plantlet in the car.It was radiating his joy,as simple as that.I saw him saying prayers under his breathe when his son drove little faster or overtook a bigger vehicle.(btw the drive was really cool😇).I noticed how a father and son were exchanging love and confidence to each other.The way they made comments on the Metro,different cars,the traffic or a funny song playing in the FM,I could see how much they had missed each other and wanted to be together.And Kii too,was her best when with Pappa.I get this because my father also works abroad.I had missed him deeply.Fathers have a certain kind of magic in their presence.A car had accidentally hit on ours,which didn’t trouble,but Kii’s brother was telling, “How come I’m being tested again”.” Maybe it’s teaching you something”,Pappa said and they both laughed.I saw he was happy,his son didn’t lose temper instead handled it smoothly.They were totally enjoying each other’s company.💞

We three were sharing our awkward silence together.I closed my eyes and listened to,”for a thousand years”.Even the sun didn’t want to set.Meanwhile we got concerned about Rahul(Appu)Mee’,s brother who had left from home to pick her but didn’t take his phone.We thought of different ideas,Kii’s Pappa said he could call from someone’s phone,her brother told,we shall call out his name loud enough to register😂.I asked her how about showing his pic and asking people have the seen him.Luckily we found him and bid Mee goodbye.

Reaching Kii’s home I felt so comfortable and familiar. Her Mom sister and a grandma made me feel in bliss💙Carol was always Kii’s protective sister,who didn’t like to leave her side.We talked about our uncertain future,how we shouldn’t let hope slip out of our hearts.We shared our weird thoughts,talked on how the pattern of thoughts affect us,about Joseph Annamkutty Jose’s book Buried thoughts,and the magic of being aware.

Why I didn’t stay overnight was that I knew couldn’t leave next day without tears.I don’t know why I feel so attached to these to ladies Kii n Mee.I missed Kii and her sweet home.Terribly,I still weep inside.Some souls touch you and you feel more alive,more of yourself.I love them.Deep and pure.Some journeys can never be forgotten❤

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Stuck in a labyrinth➿

Sitting near the window sill,I gaze at the sky.The vast eternity.I can feel my breathe.Good.And my eyes slowly shift to the room.My treasures near the window side-books.A sense of contentedness sweeps my heart.At least I could have some of them.On the table,I’ve kept my notebooks, stationery, water colours,poster colours,glass paints,palette and paint brushes.On the bed,lies my phone,laptop and headset.This is my little Universe.And I’m having my ‘me-time’.

I suddenly felt an urge to fly out of the window.Wade into the sky.Face the sun.Because, I know I am the sky,I am the Sun.But as reality strikes me,I can’t fly.(Dang!)I look at the journals written,paintings made and books read.I go through the chats I’ve done.Beautiful.I love the philosophies I’m forming,for my life.I love the idea of being a seeker.Being curious.I don’t know what goes wrong when I try to live them.There is either lot of laundry to get washed,or a little cousin wanting me to spend with or a relative to visit or(back to home)floor to be swept😂😂I try working with my life lines in between them,or after them,but I don’t get the flow!!This is not it,coming to my philosophies,there are issues too!What do you think about really wanting to step out and make new connections but not allowed of going out because your friends are not nearby?How about wanting to know more people with whom we can talk and reflect new ideas but warned of strangers who can be dangerous(Can’t blame them,lot of acid attacks and brutal murders are going on;driven by desire).All together,its contradictory.It’s like living in a box of paradox.It is true but not true;real but not real.Have you felt this?Stuck.This makes us question our existence.The very purpose of life.Like Alaska(Looking for Alaska,John Green),unknowingly we wait for a greater perhaps.We feel lost in the labyrinth of suffering.What’s next?Depression(Tadaa!)❤

But its different this time.It’s not clinical.There is no lack of interest in life,no lack of energy.This time it’s a craving for more.A kind of dissatisfaction in the world we live in.We question the convictions,the norms,the rules we are forced to abide.We feel like,all our efforts are futile,in spite of all the changes we try to bring out,nothing goes well.We even abandon some of the connections because they no more complement,don’t take us to a different level.We feel trapped.Our chakras seem blocked.Yes,that’s what I’m in now.Existential depression.(Thanks to my friends for enlightening me).💞

So, let’s find a way out.(I’m blissful how right ideas get into me once I’m receptive.Thanks to another friend of mine).It’s called Awareness.Developing a deep understanding of what is happening within and around you.Understand your state of mind.Be at peace.It will slowly resolve.Understand your passion.Slowly,bring them out,step by step.It’s okay if you don’t do so well,it’s okay if you can’t do it everyday.It’s okay to just breakdown and cry.Introspect your feelings,happiness,anger,sadness or frustration.Don’t let them take over you,just be aware.Feel them and slowly breath them out.Let themgo.You don’t need them accumulating inside you.Pure we are,so let’s stay so.💙And we don’t lose our spark anyway,it’s in us,when the right time comes,when the alignment with the Universe comes out perfect,we will be spreading our light to the whole world.And that’s why we should keep glowing😇We will water our hope until then,let our small deeds bloom out the flowers of it,and then will be our spring.This garden,maybe moist in our tears,foggy in our confusions,leaf less in our hard times,but never let them dry out.🍀

What else need to be sorted out again?Certainty?That’s a lie if you ask me.Life lies in uncertainty. It makes us stronger human beings,optimists and fighters.It makes us believe that life is what we choose to live with.The power lies within us.It makes us unpredictable.So let’s embrace the uncertainty🍁

Demented by uncertainty,

Fidgeted by certainty,

That’s how we abide by,what we call destiny

Komal Paudyal

Cogito ergo sum❄

The other side of illusion🌠

And then,my breathing becomes heavy.Palpitations starts beating drums.Something gets struck in my throat.Mouth gets dry. I can feel the droplets of sweat,popping up on my forehead.My moustache starts wetting.My palms and foot sole sweats.I know,its Anxiety.😈

When I don’t resolve it,it pushes me farther.I start believing that what’s happening inside is real:the fears,insecurities,self doubts.I fall pray to it.And what happens next is dangerous.These thoughts keep pulling me down.Away from things I love to do,away from people I love.The sunshine not reaching the inner me.My buoyancy falls,and I drawn.Drifting to darker places.I lose my inner vision.I can only see what’s outside.I can no more hear my inner voice,I don’t feel my instincts.A fog fills my inside.

And I hear some soggy voices from inside,”You are not worth living.You are a big failure,a burden for your parents.you are good for nothing.you are a shame”.This is what makes it worse.You think these voices are real.You wail for nothing.Your chest aches,eyes get swollen,head bangs.But you just can’t stop crying.you feel a pain that you can’t describe.you argue with everyone,telling that they just don’t understand.You can’t find the right words to put it in.your suffering becomes unbearable.you start thinking of escaping this maze,which has no way out.So,some think of taking their lives.I remember myself squatting infroont of a bucket of water and putting my head inside,to suffocate myself to death,because I was too afraid to die.And then I think about my parents:the pain they have to endure,their love and warmth.That very thought pulls me away from self-harm.

So,what is it?Why is it that you cannot explain?Why is it that you cannot comprehend? Just because,it doesn’t exist.What you feel is not real.Its all a well made up script by your brain,to make you do less action.To make you utilize less energy.its a self created illusion.Maha-Maya,as it says in Geetha.its what brings all these self centered thoughts to me.Like,what I’m doing is a lot,I’m sacrificing myself,I’m not happy,I’m not getting any rewards for what I do,I’m hurt always,so and so.When the focus shifts from the universe to just you,you forget you are just a speck of dust.You forget the different dimensions of universe.

The tighter Maya gets hold,the harder it becomes to breath.You shut-off from this world,withdrawing your receptors.But don’t you ever worry.There is a way out.You just need to put on the lights.Connect with your inner self.Focus on your breathe. Then you realize,your breathe is what exists.Rest all are Maya.The energy we possess is what keeps us alive,connects us to the Universe.It’s real.So let’s focus only on what’s real.Only in the moment we are in.That makes us free.Contempt. We no more argue for not understanding us.We no more curse this beautiful life.We start embracing the tiny-teeny things in life.We find clarity in every situation.We understand that every situation is so beautifully structured that we get the best out of it.We develop a wider perception,like a topological view,how small each experience is,how fine,we just need to be receptive.

We then need to step out.Do things that has life in it,rhythm in it.Speak to your self,keep telling your ideas,your strengths,your flaws.Develop a deep connection with your inner child.And learn more.Learn every meaningful piece of information you find.Seek it all.And keep with you,some beautiful souls,who vibe with you.They are gold.Speak out to them.Always keep your energy pure.

Once you see the Maya face to face,at the darkest hour,don’t lose your wits,smile to her.Bring out your inner glow.She can’t stand the light.It may not be easy,but it’s not impossible.😉

So keep doing things,champs.Art,literature,Music,Film,Dance,Science,Politics,wherever your soul is happy.Focus on things,you do.And just,flow with it.Universe will gift you with abundance🌌

Live,Love,Laugh,Read and Stay Crazy.

Mess😇

Life is a series of mess,that I keep on clearing,like a treasure quest and discovers a larger one.Last day I was recording a self talk due to the intense cloudiness of my trachea,I realised how soothing it is to talk to me.Why don’t anyone else feel this way?At least few of them feels I hope.I was no more interested in sharing my mess to anyone:not by texts,no voices or speaking in person.I want to resolve it by myself.It was my friends who made me learn that,they never used to share such thoughts unless asked,and I’m happy I ve reached that level of self love.

Earlier,it was ignorance,mind crippling ignorance,arose from self-created depression and eventually lead to actual depression.What a spiral!That was a time of self-hate and feeling of unworthy and suicidal thoughts.I took no interest in educating me.I was shitty and miserable.It was my friend Meera who gave me a hand.She made me realise the illusion that I created with my thoughts and how I treat myself is the most important things.She introduced me to the true sense of education and spirituality.That helped me to create a whole lot of mess.

Realizing that I’m just a speck of dust in the universe,I was trying to clear the self grasping ignorance through good karma.My polluted karma is an accumulation of past memories,I want to create a distance from them.I’m realizing the importance of being in the moment and doing the karma that is presented before me.

Even then,I don’t feel perfect.I don’t want to anyway.its that,I’m still messy.I still go through the uncontrolled surge of emotions at times.I feel pathetic and I cry tears of desperation.I pray hard not to hurt anyone,because I love and want to be loved.

Last day when I complained of not having anyone to drop me to college,when I’m in saree,I was desperate and I made up my mind to go by myself.And during those rattling thoughts,when my mom told me to go to my cousins home the previous day as it is nearby college,I blurted out,I I’ll go by myself,I don’t want anyone.I love my mother,I really do,she is the only person in this earth that I felt so much love,admiration and respect for,she is one of the reasons why I still live,and I know she never meant and never will do,but said out of disappointment they,you are going to end up alone,since you are being so miserable.I could feel tears welling up in my eyes.

Its messy again-low grades,pending portions and unorganized practical studies.I’m up to clearing it.And John Green is with me through Turtles All The Way Down-I’ve found people who think alike to me,Aza and Davis.Thoughts keep spiralling in me.But not tightening,as I keep on swimming through emptiness,as a wanderlust Ascaris worm,greatly inquisitive to insenuate any possible aperture.

Mess is uncomfortably comfortable.In embarrassingly embarrassing.And fearlessly fearsome.Mess is beautiful.It’s exposing every hidden cell of yours to Sun.It’s okay to sweat profusely,its okay to palpitate,its okay to stammer.Just meditate in your Universe,and keep telling yourself positive affirmations.Trust the process.Trust your journey.Universe is showering blessings.

Untame your self

Its so suffocating,being in the vicious circle of thoughts.Thoughts of past,which suck out the happiness in me,like dementors and leave me breathless.They haunt me to depression,anxiety and low self esteem,that I almost feel like losing me wits.how many times have I diagnosed myself with different mental disorders and personality disorders!!!these thoughts have even made me decide to take my God given life!it seems surreal to you?but its true.These negative thoughts keep poking me,bringing me those memories where I was weak,those memories which I deliberately won’t choose to reminisce. And I end up,submissive to those dementors,pallid and feeling worthless.it costs my health,happiness and precious time.it deprives me of quality sleep,discipline and self care.So,is there a way out?

I found my way and that was:Research.let me remind you how Oxford dictionary defines research:the study of materials and sources to discover facts.i,being a student of life,wanted to know facts about life.How people have lived,and how are they living.I wanted to know what people have learnt and what are they doing and how they did it.its not easy so it sounds.

Where reality takes us🚀🌠

😇Spiritually,its believed that,there are only two types of people:joyful ones and miserable ones.Joyful people keep on giving good vibes all around,while miserable ones keep complaining.But is it bad to be miserable?Are they,some kind of cursed or untouchable ones who must be left behind?No.Its all within us.I feel miserable at times,when things don’t work the way I planned,when situations don’t favour me,or when I can’t do things as I wish.Then I conclude that life is so unjust to me and I suffer.Welcome to the cycle of suffering.You are finished.😵

This is not true.Your thoughts are lying.What it takes is,a little bit of effort to channel your thoughts and energy in the right direction.So give yourself,a deep breathe.Let it cleanse your thoughts.And now,tell the universe,how you want to feel.Tell it,all you want,just pour yourself out.If you feel like crying,do it.And then,hug yourself.You have come so far baby,and you’ve got a thousand splendid suns to go😋Assure yourself,that you are,what you choose to be and you’ll never choose anything paralytic to the self.👼

Slowly,open your self.Let the wounds heal in the air.Let your scars glow in the rays.Let the stars fill your body.Celebrate your self,wherever you go.Meditate wherever you want.Speak out to the sky,embrace the waves dance in the sand,sing to the wind.Let’s be impermeable to judgements,unshakable to fears.🌌

Even then,I have my own times of low.My fears,embarrassments and self doubts.I’ll be just me and my silence.Then,I wait.I wait for the moment to pass.I trust my breathe.And slowly,it will resolve.Everyone wants peace and joy,and everyone have it inside.We all are beautiful creations of the creator.Maybe,what we strive to become differs.So let’s be the happy fermions and transmit the bliss💙

And why worry when Hogwarts is there for us,always❤😉

Setting a pace😇💙

Its been little long since I’ve blogged a post . I was quite busy with my studies as I am still,but I really felt like pouring out my mind.😊

I had always dreamed of a career that can explore all my potential.I’m always happy in making sacrifices for a hard-earned success.But its true,that I’m back on track after a two year delusions.😵Time which made me realise that I am where I’m meant to be.It was through a range of experiences,pain and rebels.Finally,when I let the Maya out,I gasped for fresh air.And now,passing through a critical year of my education,I really need to give my all.💗

It feels hard,working out,still not able to cope up.Managing several tasks mentally and physically, feels draining .I also feel like I couldn’t complete anything,and feel helpless.What I need to do,is to evolve more to make thoughtful actions and completely letting go of what othes think.😎Here is what I feel:

  • Make a day planner:list out the things which you plan to do.
  • Always stay calm with your thoughts:no time for energy draining talks.
  • If some tasks remain unaccomplished,even after trying,let it;don’t go beyond things which you can’t control.
  • Say NO when you feel like its overstretching.
  • Find your ME time,and treat yourself with quality time(books! and enlightening talks!) and good rest.

It takes lot of struggles and phases of self realisations to reach a balanced state we all wish for.Prayer and Meditation can really help us.

Stay with books!💜📑

To all those in our tribe,wands out!!!⚡🎆